Mismatched Relationships and Your Assumptions

Asking the Tough Questions

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Mismatched Relationships and Your Assumptions (Photo by E)

Relationship Assumptions

When was the last time you asked your partner what they wanted from the relationship? And further, when was the last time you asked that of yourself? Chances are fairly high that it has been a while, if it ever happened. The fundamental building blocks of most relationships are simply assumptions that we are all guilty of making. Honestly, have you ever taken the time to ask the following questions?

Proactive VS Reactionary

We are sadly not able to time travel, and therefor go back and have the tough conversations before things get out of hand. This is why the majority of us would describe our relationships as reactionary. I mean, who could have predicted a global pandemic and all the struggles we now are facing as a result. And in the before times, how could you have prepared for that hot blond co-worker suddenly making an appearance, and inserting jealousy into an otherwise healthy and equitable partnership? The point is, no matter how great a communicator you are, preparing for every contingency is impossible. But what you can do, is practice having tough conversations, and creating a safe space for reactions, emotions, and follow ups, thereby creating a more proactive vs reactionary relationship.

What Do You Want?

The first thing, is figuring out what your ideal relationship actually entails. Are you happiest with the freedom to flirt? Are you a person who needs friends the same sex as your spouse just for perspective or companionship? Is porn an integral part of your sex life? Are you curious about non-monogamy or something outside of your current relationship? The questions could go on for pages and pages, and whatever questions you have, it is important that you spend some time thinking about what in your current relationship makes you happy. Then, really address the parts that are missing, or you never thought were possible. Knowing what you want in a relationship is the most basic and fundamental part of having a great relationship.

What Does Your Partner Want?

If you’re thinking about shaping your relationship in a way that better suits your wants and needs, it stands to reason that your partner will need to be on the same page, or at least have all the information. So not only do you need to ask your partner the same questions above, but you have to give them the space to reflect, do research, and actually figure it out for themselves. Change does not happen overnight. This is a process, filled with opportunities to become closer, more open, explore fantasies, or in some cases, realize that you both are just too different. But that realization coming out of a place of calm discussions is a far better alternative than in the middle of fight or a fit of exhausted rage. So be brave, ask your partner to really think about this, and allow them the time, compassion, and love to answer.

Word of Caution

There is nothing more frustrating than relationship limbo, or that certainty that things could be better if only you could hit the reset button and start again. But the reality is, you cannot just take a break in the real world. You have responsibilities and obligations that require your presence. That sense of family and purpose often keeps us living in fear from asking for what we want. And let me be completely honest, when you talk about changing your relationship dynamic you may encounter a range of feedback from anger, hurt, the accusation of selfishness, or someone just walking out the door. These risks are real. However, I truly believe in finding ones happiness and truth, so if you are prepared to do the hard work, hope exists in eventually bringing that mismatch back into a new, and mutually agreed upon sync, not just an assumption. A relationship based on more than just hope and assumptions is a relationship worth working towards.

Krys is a sex positive blogger, podcaster, and a lover of craft beer. Read about her non-monogamous journey at breakingawayfrommonogamy.com.

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