E-mail Bag: Question 7 My Blueprint for a Man in a Sexless Marriage
I read your article on Medium “Creating Ground Rules and Boundaries in Non-Monogamy”.
I’m a 70 year old African American male in a sexless marriage. We just celebrated our 30 year wedding anniversary and we’re happily married even though after menopause my wife went from low libido to no libido (asexual). I’m looking for a sex positive woman to provide guidance and insight on the CNM relationship model.
Thank you in advance for your thoughtful consideration.
First off, thank you for reading one of my article’s on Medium. There is no greater thrill for me, than to have someone read something I wrote, and then follow it up with a comment or question. And a huge congrats on celebrating 30 years of matrimony! That is quite an accomplishment in of itself. Clearly you have a few relationship skills up your sleeve in order to make it this far, and could probably teach the rest of us a thing or two about sticking with it. However it seems that the sexual dynamic has changed, and that’s where your question starts.
Firstly, I think it is very telling that you use the term CNM (Consensual Non-Monogamy) in that you must already be doing your research, and that because you are using that term you want your relationships to be based on consent (Yay!). But for the sake of other readers, and not wanting to fall into the trap of too many assumptions let me just jump right into the question at hand, which is offering a guide and insight into this relationship model.
CNM and Consent
When I think of the ideal CNM relationship model, I envision one whereby every person involved has free and clear access to the information about each other that they are comfortable with. And that each new person or interaction is approached with openness, compassion, and thoughtful communication specific to the situation at hand, which in this case would be a relationship outside of monogamy. More to the point, that each person in the relationship has given consent, and feels comfortable to amend their said consent at any time.